Feeding Apples to Death
by moon71
Summary: Coming of age in Alexander's army is not easy; neither is falling in love. Royal Page Helenus is about to find his life getting very difficult indeed – while his friend Hylas is destined for an awakening that will change his life forever.
1. Chapter 1

**FEEDING APPLES TO DEATH**

**SUMMARY: ** Coming of age in an army camp is not easy; neither is falling in love. Royal Page Helenus is about to find his life getting very difficult indeed – while his friend Hylas is destined for an encounter that will change his life forever.

**DISCLAIMER: **The real people are mine; the fictional ones are. It's a bit of a no-brainer really.

**NOTES: **Moon71 resurfaces for a little while! I am (honestly) working on three more Alexander stories but they aren't complete yet. Without publishing my autobiography, let me say that the Olympics have taken up a huge chunk of my time (no, I wasn't competing! Though watching those female weightlifters makes me wish I'd taken up the sport twenty years ago!) I am still reading a lot of Alexander stuff (non-fiction at the moment, there isn't much inspiring fiction around at the moment, though "Thais of Athens" has finally been translated into English and is worth looking for.)

**STORY NOTES: **This story focuses on my original characters, in particular the pages Helenus, Nireus, Hylas and Narcissus. Alexander and Hephaestion, while not in every scene, are a big part of the story - I have tried to explore what it was like for others besides Alexander and his Companions to be in the army, with all its wonders, dangers and variety.

I know it may not be what everyone wants to read, but I hope I've entertained everyone for long enough to be granted a little artistic freedom – above all, I hope, and think, you will all enjoy this! I had this in my head since I wrote "Competing for Second Place" and having written it down and been pleased with the results, I thought I may as well post it. I dragged my feet over it for ages, not sure whether it was appropriate to this site or not, but here it is at last, so see what you think.

**IF YOU'RE CONFUSED: ** And if you care, this story is set before, during and after the stories _Competing for Second Place _and_ The Substitute._

* * *

When I was in Macedon I thought I hated my brother Narcissus. He was always like a black cloud moving in front of my sunlight and raining on what I thought were my warmest moments. He bullied me relentlessly, stabbing at my pride whenever he could. Worse, he was always in trouble and always getting beaten, and I hated to hear our mother's shouting and the smack of our father's riding crop on my brother's body.

One day I lost my temper and told him he was only jealous because our parents loved me more than him. To my dismay, instead of pinching me or kicking me or making fun of me, Narcissus only smiled wryly and said, "yes, I know they do."

I have never forgotten that.

But it wasn't until our father packed Narcissus off to the Royal Pages at the earliest opportunity that I truly realised I didn't hate my brother – I loved him. I loved him more than anyone else in the world.

With Narcissus things felt _real._ He was always into some sort of mischief and more often than not he involved me in it too. I told myself it was wrong and I hated to see him punished, but it was also good fun. I never felt bored or frustrated or apathetic when he was there.

True, I never felt content either – unlike my parents, he was never satisfied with anything, myself included. His insatiable curiosity about the doings of those around him and his need to try new things, however reckless or forbidden, got him into as much trouble as his unwillingness to bend or to see me indulged while he was disciplined. But that felt good too. When I was with Narcissus I was truly awake, not locked in some comfortable but endless dream.

I know my parents separated us because they thought Narcissus was a bad influence on me and that army life would straighten him out. But I was the one it really straightened out. I could just have stayed in Macedon forever, learned to manage my father's estates, married and led a comfortably dull life. It was what my father intended for me and I would probably have been quite happy, if rather bored. But I was just as shocked as our parents to discover that I found life without Narcissus quite insufferable. I realised in his absence how much I had relied on his independent spirit to awaken my own.

Interestingly enough it was Hylas son of Nikanor who really helped me to sort out my own mind and fix my resolve to follow my brother into the Royal Pages. Hylas' estate bordered on ours and the three of us had often played together, though he was a year younger than I was. Nikanor I remember as a very big, very handsome cavalryman who was always full of fun and used to take us for rides on his charger, Snow, when he was home from campaign. I know Narcissus, three years older than me, was more than a little in love with him; he cried bitterly when the news came that Nikanor had fallen in battle and my brother very rarely cried, even as a young child. But then we children all cried that day, boys and girls. It saddened us – but it also frightened us. Change is frightening, after all. And if Nikanor son of Telemachus, who was like a god to us, was not immortal… then we certainly were not.

After he lost his father things did not go well for Hylas. He has never spoken of it to me, but I understand from Narcissus that there was trouble between Nikanor and his father in law and when he died Hylas' mother was pressured into remarrying quickly. Her new husband was rich and had no sons of his own and was not keen on accepting Hylas as his heir, so the simplest solution seemed to be to send Hylas to the army as early as possible.

When I heard he was to go at the age of twelve, I, at the age of thirteen, stubbornly resolved to go with him. My family were not happy, but I would not back down and eventually they humoured me, reasoning, I suppose, that I would soon be begging to come home.

As Narcissus would have said had he been there, being my father's darling did have its advantages after all.

* * *

Life in the army was not easy. For someone used to the attentions of servants and indulgent parents and sisters and the luxuries of a prosperous Macedonian estate it came as a great shock. Even compared to the other boys in the camp my age I knew I was soft. Within a week I had had my first beating for reporting late for duty. For months my feet ached constantly from the long marches and equally long periods of standing guard over King Alexander.

By the time I reached the army certain traditions had already begun to change – Alexander's army was not the spare, utilitarian one my father and his contemporaries would have known under Philip. The Royal Pages were not necessarily needed for such basic tasks as preparing the king's meals, dressing and undressing him, attending him at his bath and putting him to bed; but that did not mean we were to be excused completely. Alexander might have an increasing retinue of decorously discreet Persians in his retinue, moving about his household like silent, silken shades and making us mere Macedonian boys feel rough and clumsy in comparison, but he was never left alone with them.

Nor did being a Royal Page and technically under the King's direct protection did not stop some of the rougher men in the camp from trying their luck with me and some didn't seem interested in getting my consent.

But the Royal Pages were a close-knit group – whenever I got into trouble not only Narcissus but Hyacinthus or Euxenippus were there to help and I quickly learned the value of a hard knee, a sharp finger, fast legs or even just a piercing scream.

And then there was Alexander, who was like a god.

I fell in love with him instantly and though back home everyone talked of his self-restraint and modest appetites, I quickly noticed he was not totally blind to the charms of the boys around him.

One day when I was serving his wine at a supper-party, he looked up from where he was reclining on his couch and smiled at me. His smile was so radiant I thought I would melt like snow in the sun.

"You're adjusting well to life here, aren't you son of Lysander," he said. As I mumbled something stupid in reply, he turned to the big, handsome son of Amyntor, who everyone said he loved above all his Companions and who was sharing his couch with the ease of someone who felt he had every right to do so. "Do you know, Hephaestion, the sweet fresh looks of this boy make me almost sentimental for Macedon …"

"You've had too much wine, Alexander," Hephaestion answered carelessly.

"Sometimes, Hephaestion, I think you have no poetry in your soul," Alexander sighed, and as he said so he reached up and stroked my cheek.

Hephaestion grunted. "You look after the poetry, my friend. I'll look after the grain supplies! An army can't eat poetry!"

"Shame on you! You sound more and more like Cleitos every day! Would you of all people feed the body and starve the soul? Whatever would Aristotle say?"

"I'll ask him the next time I write. Do you want to place a bet on what he'll say?"

The two looked at one another for a long moment with such intensity that I thought they might be about to strike at one another. But then they suddenly burst out laughing and Alexander pushed Hephaestion off the couch. Within moments the pair of them were wrestling on the floor like wild, careless boys. The Persians who had entered Alexander's retinue about the same time as Hylas and I looked upon the conduct of their new sovereign with a mixture of bemusement and distaste, but the Macedonians only laughed, swilled more wine and began placing bets on the outcome.

I was long forgotten, but I could not forget. I could still feel Alexander's touch upon my skin for the rest of the evening. At one point I caught my brother glaring at me across the room, but I ignored him. Alexander had _noticed_ me! Alexander had noticed my… what exactly had he said? I _had_ to make sure I memorised his exact words! My… _sweet fresh looks…_

I would have happily gone to bed and dreamed of my golden haired young king all night, but before I could lie down Narcissus cornered me, digging his fingers into my arm and scowling into my face. "Don't let me catch you at that again," he snapped at me, "do you hear me, Helenus?"

"Catch me at what - ?" I was genuinely perplexed as well as shocked. "I wasn't doing anything!"

"The next time Alexander tries something like that, you act stupid… or scared. If he keeps it up I'll tell him you're already someone's beloved."

I stared at my brother with increasing anger. "Why? Why should I? I've seen how many lovers you've got here in the camp, why shouldn't I…"

"_Because I said so!"_

I laughed. I couldn't help it. "Are you jealous because he hasn't chosen _you?"_

Narcissus had not laid a finger on me in anger since I had arrived in camp. Now he clipped me across the ear. It didn't hurt, but it sobered me. "Don't be stupid. If I wanted Alexander I could have had him in a moment." It sounded arrogant, but having watched my brother work I would have to admit he had a point. "He's not right for you and that's an end to it."

I wanted to demand the reason why, but I did not. Narcissus was hardly ever serious about anything, but when he was I knew enough to take notice. As I bowed my head in compliance, I heard him sigh. "Come on, let's get to bed," he said and put his arm around my shoulders. I wondered if I was childish in still enjoying the affection he showed me, but then I decided I didn't care. I put my arm around his waist and let him lead me away.

"But…" I suddenly asked as we were bedding down, "what if… you know… what should I do if he insists?" For a moment I was genuinely afraid. Kicking the king in the gonads or poking him in the eye? Wouldn't that merit crucifixion?

Narcissus sighed and closed his eyes. "Don't worry, he won't." There was something odd in his tone of voice which would become familiar to me whenever he spoke of Alexander; an irreconcilable mixture of disapproval and grudging respect. "That's not his way."

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**FEEDING APPLES TO DEATH**

**CHAPTER 2: **Helenus is sent on an errand and makes a new friend – and Hylas is sent to get his lyre and makes a potentially fatal mistake…

**QUICK NOTE:** Thank you so much for such encouraging reviews! Daft as it sounds I really was nervous about this. I really hope you enjoy the next part!

* * *

It was a week – perhaps two – after that when I was sent on an errand which would change my life forever. Unlike my Trojan namesake, I had no gifts of precognition and so I scuttled off to meet my destiny in total ignorance

I did not know Hephaestion son of Amytor or his staff very well. Since I had arrived, aside from supper-parties and war councils I had had little opportunity to interact with any of them and as I was still struggling to adjust to camp-life, when I was off duty I was usually sleeping or trying to catch up with my studies. So I was already feeling a little apprehensive approaching Hephaestion's tent before I saw the youth sitting leaning back against one of the posts polishing a leather shield with slow, lazy strokes.

He seemed so lost in a dream that I was sure he had not heard me approach. But before I had rallied the courage to address him, he suddenly looked up at me, squinting in the bright sunlight. "Joy to you, Pretty Green Eyes," he said in a tone that was teasing but not suggestive. His voice was deep and smooth and had evidently broken a good while ago. His Macedonian was good, but it had an odd accent to it which I couldn't immediately place. "What brings you here?"

I was embarrassed to find myself blushing a little. I had a suspicion that there was something about me he found very amusing. "I am Helenus son of Lysander," I introduced myself with unnecessary formality.

I couldn't help stepping back as he got to his feet. He was at least a head taller than me – more, I realised when he came closer – and strongly made, dressed in a simple black chiton. His hair and eyes were very dark, almost black. But what disconcerted me the most was his disfigured face; his broken nose, crushed cheekbone and squinting eye.

I suppose it was childish to be so disconcerted by it. But I had been brought up to worship beauty and despise ugliness. Ugly people in stories were always wicked; usually they were made ugly because of some sin they had committed against the gods. In an army camp, of course, many men had horrendous scars and were proud of them. But this was only a boy, and until I had seen his face I had imagined, with his finely proportioned figure, that he must necessarily have a beautiful visage to match.

If he saw my reaction, he gave no sign. He only smiled slightly. "Yes, I know who you are, little one. You're Narcissus' brother, right?"

Traitor though I felt, I winced at the question. Many young men had taken my relationship with Narcissus to mean I was fair game for their (usually ham-fisted) attempts at seduction. "That's right," I answered rather stiffly. I was suddenly very conscious of how close this other boy was standing, and I did not know what I felt about it.

"I'm Nireus, son of Leondias," the other boy introduced himself. I nodded stupidly. We regarded one another in silence for a few seconds before he tilted his head expectantly. My mind began to race. Why was he looking at me like that? What did he want? Did he like me? Was he going to demand a kiss? Did he seriously expect I would give one?

Would I?

"So, son of Lysander…?" Nireus prompted me gently.

"…What…?"

"Delightful as it is to imagine you just came over to make friends with me, I assume you're bringing a message from Alexander…?"

I shook myself, feeling hot with mortification, unable to believe I had forgotten myself like this. "Oh! Yes… yes, Alexander wishes Hephaestion to come to his tent at once."

Nireus nodded. "Wait here." As he turned on his heel, I pressed a hand to my eyes as if to blot out my own imbecility. What sort of an idiot would this Nireus think me? What was _I_ thinking, imagining he was expecting anything from me but Alexander's orders? And why did I care, one way or other? He was probably there with Hephaestion right now, laughing and telling his commander what a little fool I was.

Moments later, Hephaestion emerged throwing on his cloak, passing me without a word or a glance. Nireus followed behind, keeping good pace with Hephaestion's long stride, but when he glanced back and saw me almost running to catch up he slowed a little, giving me a small, friendly smile. I didn't understand why it pleased me, but I knew I felt less humiliated after that.

* * *

It was my fellow page Euxenippus who told me what I didn't have the temerity to ask Nireus – what had happened to his face. I was stunned when I learned it was only the fault of a careless wet-nurse. Nireus, it seemed, was untroubled over it; had even laughed about it when he told the story. I saw

nothing to laugh about – looking at the undamaged side in profile I couldn't help thinking he would have been very handsome if both sides matched, though it was hard to imagine what his nose would have been like before it was squashed.

I learned too that he was from Thessaly and had come with the army along with several uncles who served in the Thessalian cavalry, his father being favoured by Philip enough to earn him a place in Alexander's Royal Pages.

Not that I learned this directly either – I had hardly spoken to Nireus since the day we met.

One day not long after the army had settled to make camp once more, a servant came running to Alexander's tent to ask him if he would like to watch a wrestling match. Alexander accepted readily and I accompanied him along with Hyacinthus and Hylas. We followed him down to a temporarily erected sandpit where a small crowd had gathered.

Leonatus, one of Alexander's closest friends, was standing nearby talking to Hephaestion. For a moment I had thought it was they who would be competing – Leonatus was a keen and skilful wrestler. But they were fully dressed. It was two of Hephaestion's pages who were preparing to fight, chatting amicably as they rubbed one another with oil. One I recognised quite easily as Iason son of Aias. Aias, I remembered, had competed for Philip in various wrestling bouts – my own father had been an admirer of his and had loved to gamble on him - and Iason was apparently following in his footsteps. He was large and solid, heavily built without being fat – the perfect wrestler's physique. I had heard too that Leonatus had taken an interest in his wrestling and was acting as his coach. I looked at Iason admiringly for a moment – and then looked at his opponent.

Nireus.

I caught my breath. I had never seen him naked before. He was taller than Iason, and not as hefty, though his muscles were sleek and toned. I was moved by the masculine beauty of his physique as I had never been before by any of the men or boys around me. Somehow the contrast with his disfigured face only made the perfection more noticeable. I suddenly felt ashamed of my own skinny, boyish figure in comparison, and found myself wishing I could grow as big as him in every sense within the next few moments.

I tried to focus on what was going on. Hylas and Hyacinthus were talking eagerly about it – they pointed to a rolled up Persian carpet that was lying next to the wrestling pit along with a Persian sword with a beautifully decorated scabbard. It would seem the winner would take all. The winner, in this case, being the trainer, not the competitor, though Hyacinthus told me the boy who won would get a full wineskin and a night off duty.

I noticed another of Hephaestion's Pages, a thin, foxy faced boy called Admetus, watching Iason anxiously, his fists clenched. When the older boy turned to him, Admetus made a victory sign which Iason returned. I didn't have the courage to do the same for Nireus, but I silently wished him victory in my heart.

The bout was an exciting one. Nireus was alert and slippery to get a hold of; Iason was more measured – he seemed ponderous at first, but though he usually let Nireus make the first move, he was ready when it came. More often than not, he would let Nireus have his way until he was quite sure the time was right, and then, with a unexpected speed, he would bring him down. Their attitude was very different too – while we often heard Nireus laugh, apparently for the sheer pleasure of the sport, even when he was being floored, Iason's face was as still and solemn as a tragedy mask. Even so, for the first two rounds it seemed as though it would be hard to choose a victor, but eventually Iason caught Nireus in an unbreakable hold. It was only as a formality that Alexander declared Iason the winner. Then, and only then, did I see Iason son of Aias give the smallest of smiles.

Leonatus gave a huge roar of triumph and slapped Hephaestion hard on the back, yelling for his servants to gather up his prizes as he went over to embrace Iason, getting his expensive chiton smeared in sand and oil as he did so. Hephaestion stepped forward to congratulate him too, holding out the wineskin. Then he stooped to pull Nireus to his feet, cuffing him lightly around the head before grudgingly accepting Leonatus' hand and allowing himself to be dragged toward Alexander's tent for the drinking party the king insisted was needed to celebrate this great occasion.

As soon as the officers had gone, Iason and Admetus plunged into one another's arms, shouting and laughing and tossing the wineskin high into the air. I should have followed Alexander, of course, but I couldn't help lingering.

"I'm… sorry you lost," I said rather idiotically to Nireus, who was wiping himself with a towel and watching Iason's little victory dance with a amicable grin. My voice wasn't quite steady and neither was my gaze, which insisted on wandering brazenly. His body really was superb.

He turned to me a stern look. "You should be," he said, "it was your fault."

"_Mine?"_

"Yes yours. Just as I was about to fight, I looked over and saw that pretty face of yours staring at me and lost my concentration!"

"What – no, that's – wait a minute…!" I could feel my cheeks catching fire.

And then Nireus smiled at me. Really smiled. It utterly transformed his face; it was the sweetest smile I had ever seen. I was so dazzled by it I had to look away.

"I'd better go and get cleaned up, as it seems thanks you I'm now on duty…" he continued cheerfully. "You'd better go on too; Alexander will be waiting for you." When he saw I was still hesitating, he reached out and put a hand on the side of my neck. I shivered as I felt it, though I supposed he was only trying to avoid getting oil on my chiton or he would have just patted me on the shoulder. "Go on now, Helenus… I'll be there in a few minutes."

I nodded, shaking myself. Of course he would. I really was acting like a fool. But as I hurried away, I couldn't help feeling even more confused. Had I made it so very obvious that I hadn't wanted to part from him?

* * *

I was not a fan of the drinking parties. It wouldn't have been so bad if we weren't supposed to attend Alexander throughout – he and his friends could linger over their wine until the early hours and it was so hard to keep awake. Though he was strict the king was often kind to us – when he remembered to he would sometimes dismiss us early, but more often than not once he was in his cups he tended to forget all about us until it was necessary to help him to bed.

Narcissus of course was in his element – I envied how easily he charmed the men around him while never actually appearing to be neglecting his duty to Alexander. Hyacinthus stood by quietly, his eyes downcast. When I first saw him like this I thought it was just his way of remaining unobtrusive – he was a good-looking youth and I never got the impression he appreciated the attention of men in the camp, either soldiers or officers. It was only as I got to know him that I realised what he was actually doing was listening. Very carefully.

Hylas and I, as was rapidly becoming our custom, exchanged weary smiles across the room. I tried to concentrate on him to help myself keep awake, but in the next moment Alexander beckoned him over. "Fetch your lyre, son of Nikanor," Alexander shouted at him over the cacophony of voices, "fetch your lyre and sing for us…"

Hylas scurried off gratefully, obviously as bored as I was. I breathed a sigh of relief. I had found that I was actively avoiding making eye contact with Nireus; I was embarrassed by our encounter earlier on and I did not know what I would say to him if we even got a chance to talk. Before that happened I wanted just a little while alone to think, away from the noise and the crowds. Hylas' singing would be a welcome distraction.

One thing I had noticed, however, was that it had an odd effect on Alexander, at least when he had been drinking like this. While I supposed he enjoyed it, he didn't smile when he watched my friend perform; once or twice I even thought I had seen tears in his eyes. Narcissus had repeated some court gossip about it once – something to do with Alexander performing before his father with unhappy results – but I couldn't remember quite what it was. But I could not help also noticing was that just after Hylas had gone and with apparently no invitation, Hephaestion suddenly came and sat down on Alexander's couch.

A sudden crash followed by an angry yell jolted me from my muse. The next thing I knew, Black Cleitos was grasping Hylas by the shoulders and shaking him so roughly it was a wonder he didn't break his neck.

It took me a moment to realise that in his haste to return to Alexander, my fellow Page had knocked over the large wine bowl and drenched Cleitos and his voluptuous female companion in wine. I could not help crying out in fear – Cleitos was very big and very drunk and very, very angry, and Hylas suddenly seemed so small and defenceless.

I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare which lasted forever, though in reality of course all took place in under a minute. I remember some of the officers laughing and others bawling insults; Cleitos shouting and the hetaera he had been sitting with wailing about her ruined dress. Hylas had begun to cry and I felt like doing so too, certain my little friend was about to get the beating of his life. Then I remember Nireus moving forward.

All at once Hylas was torn from Cleitos' grip. For a confused moment I actually thought it was Nireus who had done it and began to fear for him even more than I had for Hylas. But though Hylas had been pushed into Nireus' arms, it was Hephaestion son of Amyntor who was standing between him and the enraged Cavalry officer.

I don't recall clearly what the two men growled as they faced each other down like territorial lions before Alexander finally intervened. He placated Cleitos and his mistress by making him a gift of the beautiful silver wine bowl which had caused all the problems and her the promise of five new silk dresses to replace the one which had been ruined. To my intense relief – and to that of many of the company, I honestly believe – he then announced it was best for all to retire to bed.

As the party dispersed, Alexander took the still angry looking Hephaestion into the inner confines of the tent, presumably to talk to him privately, ordering us all to bed as he did so. By now I knew better than to question this – the first time he had sent us away without our customary duties of bathing and undressing him (once again when Hephaestion was still there) I had opened my mouth to protest but been silenced by a hard look from my brother and learned to hold my peace.

As I looked across the suddenly empty space, I saw Hylas sitting on a couch and Nireus crouching beside him, the two of them talking in soft voices. I thought at first that Hylas was still crying and Nireus was trying to comfort him, but when I got closer I saw that the look on Hylas' face was dreamy, as if Cleitos' attack had concussed him. Yet apart from the violent shaking, Cleitos hadn't had a chance to hit him – Hephaestion had stepped in too quickly.

Even so, Hylas wandered around like a moonstruck calf for several days after that, and it was later to strike me that he was never quite the same again.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**FEEDING APPLES TO DEATH**

**CHAPTER 3:** Helenus accompanies Alexander – and Nireus - on a strange visit to the horse-traders, and gets an invitation to go riding.

**NOTE: **thank you to all of you who have reviewed so quickly and so positively! I feel much more confident about this now!

* * *

Two weeks passed before I had much of a chance to talk to Nireus again. I still had not decided quite what to make of him – he always seemed so happy and confident, as if he hadn't even noticed his own lack of beauty, let alone thought to lament of it. I told myself a soldier wouldn't worry about such things, but even so, Nireus was at least two or three years older than me; boys younger than him had already had lovers. From what I could see he had an amiable and attractive nature, but I couldn't imagine that anyone had ever courted him. Surely that would make him feel unhappy?

Most often when I saw him it was in the company of other boys. At such times, though he never failed to favour me with one of his sweet smiles, I felt too self-conscious to approach him and stayed close to Narcissus or Hylas. But one hot afternoon Alexander announced he would go personally to appraise some new horses being offered by a local trader and as I was on duty he took me with him along with his secretary Eumenes and two guards. To my considerable surprise, just as we got to the edge of the camp where the traders were stationed I saw Nireus standing by as if awaiting us. He greeted Alexander respectfully before falling into step with me.

"Hello little Green Eyes," he whispered to me.

"My name is Helenus," I replied a little petulantly, embarrassed by the rush of pleasure I had felt upon seeing him.

Nireus looked no more than amused. "Come on then, _Helenus_… let's look at the horses, shall we?"

"Oh – but – " I protested as he took my arm and pulled me in the opposite direction to our king, who was talking cheerfully to one of the traders. "Son of Leonidas, what are you doing? Alexander will…"

Nireus put a finger against my lips and led me over to a sleek chestnut coloured mare, patting its flank with the affectionate confidence of one who knows and loves horses. "What do you think of her, Helenus?" he asked me.

"I… I think she's beautiful," I admitted. Nireus eyed her with a critical frown and nodded and after a moment we wandered onto another horse. I watched him with some curiosity. I had almost forgotten that he was a Thessalian, born of a race who were famous for their breeding and trading of horses. Not to mention their cavalry… "I suppose you know a great deal about horses, Nireus…"

My companion shrugged. "I've grown up with them. In Thessaly they put you on horseback before you can walk… or so we like to boast," he added with a wry smile. "How about you?"

"I can ride well enough," I answered cautiously, seriously doubting I could compete against him when it came to horsemanship and hoping he would never ask me to race. He didn't seem like the kind of irritating boy who would challenge you to any sort of competition at the drop of a hat, but you could never be sure.

I stole a nervous glance back over my shoulder at Alexander. Was it really all right for us to just wander off like this? But Nireus seemed so relaxed about it that I decided I ought to trust him and after a little while I began to enjoy myself very much. The horses were some of the finest I had seen and I could not deny it was nice to have a moment or two in the company of the Thessalian boy I found it hard to stop thinking about. I asked him several questions about the horses we looked at and he answered with some authority; in return he asked me about my family and what my life had been like back in Macedon.

It felt a little strange to talk about myself so much – most of the boys I mixed with already knew my background (or knew Narcissus' and thought that was enough) and with the exception of Alexander, who when he had time would enquire after my father or relate some interesting anecdote about our clan, most of the men didn't care. But it also made me feel a little special.

"Will you join the Thessalian Cavalry when you're older?" I asked Nireus after some thought, "or do you think you'd try for the Companions?" I thought of Hylas' father as I said so and felt a sudden pang, but the idea of serving with the Companion Cavalry did strike me as the epitome of romantic adventure.

To my surprise, Nireus gave a soft chuckle. "I used to want that more than anything. And my family would expect it, of course… but now I'm not so sure."

I stared at him. "You don't want to be a foot soldier instead, do you…?"

"Actually I've wondered about being an engineer. You know, planning and building siege engines or bridges or even cities… I've watched Hephaestion do it and it's amazing. There's so much you have to think of, but he's really good at that. He always remembers details and he always knows how to find the things or the people he needs. It's a different sort of skill to fighting a battle," he added meditatively, "or even planning one… but it's just as important, I think."

I didn't know what to say to that. I couldn't imagine someone of Nireus' background wanting to do anything that wasn't with horses. "Hephaestion is laying the foundations for a new town at the moment, isn't he?" I offered.

"Mmm… he's there today. I would have liked to have gone with him. I like watching him work on these projects and you can learn a lot from him. Not just about planning and administration, either…"

I couldn't help staring up at Nireus as he said this. He had what Narcissus called _that look_ on his face – the look, according to my brother, that so many of Hephaestion's staff assumed when they talked of their master. It struck me as a mixture of hero worship and a sort of esoteric pride, as if they were the exclusive initiates of some secret mystery. It puzzled me and also made me feel a little left out.

"Why didn't he take you with him?" I couldn't help asking.

Nireus blinked. "Oh – he…" To my further confusion, he actually looked a little furtive. "I suppose he didn't need me. Would you like to see the new town, Helenus?" he asked me suddenly. When I shrugged half-heartedly, thinking he was only trying to change the subject, he bent his head ruefully. "I suppose you'd find that a bit boring, but I always like to see the towns before they're finished. I always promise myself I'll go back one day and see if they've grown… or if they're even still standing…!"

"I…" I hesitated, belatedly recognising the sincerity in his voice and wishing I had shown a little more enthusiasm. "Do you… think we'd be allowed?"

Nireus' eyes met mine and he seemed about to say something, but then his gaze shifted upwards over my shoulder and he straightened up. I turned to see Alexander approaching with Eumenes. Alexander gave my fellow page an expectant look, and Nireus smiled and shook his head. Alexander nodded almost imperceptibly and went back to talk to the horse traders.

Eumenes looked more openly relieved. Alexander's secretary rather intimidated me. He was handsome – I had heard he had been a very beautiful and accomplished youth; enough to attract the attention of King Philip. And I understood he was excellent at his work. But he was painfully serious and far more censorious of the behaviour of the Royal Pages than Alexander ever was, particularly where any treats or gifts were concerned. Now he eyed me critically before turning to Nireus. "You'll tell your people?" Nireus nodded respectfully and Eumenes frowned. "Back to your duties then. Helenus, attend Alexander."

Now feeling disappointed as well as perplexed, I did as I was told, not even daring to glance back at my friend.

* * *

"I heard you got a letter from home," Hylas commented as the two of us sat outside the king's tent, polishing armour and practising our Greek a week after my visit to the horse traders.

"Only from a cousin of ours," I answered, working to keep my tone light and dismissive. I didn't need to ask if Hylas had heard from his family – I already knew what the answer would be and it made me feel so sorry for him. "I think he really just wanted to know if Narcissus kept his promise to be faithful to him?"

"_Narcissus promised to be faithful to someone…?"_ Hylas' blue eyes widened in astonishment.

"Oh yes," I sighed, "to our cousin Amyntas. And Amyntas' friend Telemon. And Telemon's brother Peithon. And… well, about half of Macedon, I should think…"

Hylas stared at me blankly for a moment. Then we both burst out laughing.

We only recovered ourselves when one of Alexander's scribes passed by us with a disapproving scowl. We watched him disappear into the tent behind us before smirking behind his back. It was beginning to seem to me that Alexander's Macedonian staff were taking more and more airs the further we travelled into Persia – maybe to compete with the inbred pride of the Persians themselves. I was about to voice this observation to Hylas when I caught sight of Hephaestion's Pages Iason and Admetus walking with slow, weary steps towards the bath-house. The larger boy had his arm flung loosely about the redhead's shoulders and they were talking companionably. I noticed their chitons and cloaks were coated with dust.

"They must be on their way back from the new town," I observed, feeling just a little sad that Nireus wasn't with them. It had been some time since I had had a chance to speak to him – even though we were in camp he was away with Hephaestion most of the time, and from what I had heard, the main army would soon be moving off and leaving Hephaestion's men behind to finish the settlement of the new town. Not only was I still eaten up with curiosity over the business with the horse traders, but I was being troubled by another, equally gnawing emotion I still did not really understand.

At the very least I wanted us to be friends. There was no reason we couldn't be, if he wanted that too. But this felt far more confusing than the friendship I shared with Hylas.

"I wonder what it would be like to serve under Hephaestion," Hylas murmured abstractedly. I turned to look at him in surprise. He was frowning as his eyes followed the two boys across the camp. "His men always seem… you know… like they belong together…"

I did know what he meant. As I said before, Hephaestion's staff were a tight crowd, passionately – even violently – loyal to their General. Before I could offer an answer, however, I caught sight of a slightly taller figure trailing in behind the other two, following in the same direction.

I wanted to call out to him, but my voice caught in my throat. I supposed he was off duty and on his way to the baths too; Hylas and I would not be relieved for at least several hours and by that time Nireus would probably have taken to his bed.

But then, almost as if he felt my gaze upon him, he turned and waved, favouring me with a tired grin. I hesitated, conscious of Hylas beside me, but then I lifted my arm and waved back.

Hylas was staring at me with wide eyes. "Are you friends with Nireus son of Leonidas…?" he asked in an awed whisper.

"I… I…" I shrugged helplessly, feeling my cheeks grow very hot. "I've talked to him once or twice…"

"I've always been a bit scared of Hephaestion's pages," Hylas admitted with that open honestly I couldn't help but find endearing, "but… Nireus was kind to me… you know…that time at the drinking party…"

I nodded. "Yes, I remember."

"You wouldn't think so to look at him," Hylas went on, "but… he has a nice smile. It makes you forget… that he's… you know…" he touched a hand to his eye with a slightly rueful expression.

So I wasn't the only one who thought so. It was the sudden rush of affection I felt for my friend when he said those words that made me confide in him. "He… asked me if I'd like to see the new town they're building…"

Hylas blinked. "Really? Oh, you're lucky, Helenus! _I'd_ love to see Hephaestion's town! I keep hoping Alexander will take me with him if he goes there! Hephaestion does such interesting things, don't you think? Building towns and bridges and organising supplies and negotiating with people… when are you going to go?"

"I… I don't know. We haven't exactly had time to talk about it…"

"Helenus…" Hylas leaned close to me and dropped his voice to a whisper. "Is Nireus… courting you…?"

"I – I – I don't know…" I mumbled, knowing I was getting redder and redder. "I don't think so… he… I…"

Before I could go on, Hephaestion himself rode into camp on his fine golden-brown horse. No sooner had he dismounted than a groom came sprinting over to lead the horse away and Alexander's friend began to stride in our direction. I couldn't help but notice how Hylas had suddenly straightened up, like a deer scenting danger – or like a fox scenting prey? He watched Hephaestion quite fixedly as the man approached us with a nod before disappearing into the king's tent; then lowered his eyes with a deep sigh. But to my surprise that sigh did not sound like one of apprehension or relief – it sounded more like one of pleasure.

"Hylas…?" I nudged him.

He glanced at me with a shy smile, then lowered his eyes. "Helenus," he murmured, "do you think _you'd_ ever like to serve under Hephaestion…?"

I had no answer to that. Until a few weeks ago I would have positively wept had I bent sent away from Alexander. But since I had met Nireus I had begun to long for other things besides being close at the side of our young golden haired king, right in the centre of the action.

I would have paid more attention to Hylas' strange behaviour back then if Nireus himself hadn't suddenly appeared directly before us, his black hair still damp and his olive skin shiny and flushed from the bath house, dressed in a clean chiton. It seemed to me he must have hurried through his ablutions to have resurfaced so quickly, and it struck me as odd that he had not lingered with his friends as he surely would have liked to do on a night like this. Could he… just possibly… have made time for _me?_

"Joy to you sons of Nikanor and Lysander," he addressed us with playful formality.

"Hephaestion is with Alexander, if you were looking for him," Hylas offered, but the older boy just shook his head.

"No, I just wanted to pass the time… we've been away from Camp so much of late it feels as though we never see anyone…" Nireus crouched down beside us with a heavy sigh. "Hephaestion has given me a day free tomorrow so I'll visit my family then..."

Without warning Hylas suddenly sprang to his feet. "I'm going to get some more oil for the leather," he announced, nodding to the armour we were working on, though we had more than enough. "I won't be long…"

"_Hylas…!"_ I cried indignantly; then turned to look shyly at Nireus who was smiling at me. "He… I mean… don't think that I…"

"He's a nice boy," Nireus answered gently. "I didn't want to scare him off… but I'm glad I have a moment to talk to you alone…"

"I…" I was glad too, but I wasn't sure it was a good idea to say so just yet. "You must be tired," I said lamely and then realised that my words might sound like a dismissal. "I mean…"

"No, you're right, I am. But I wanted to ask you if you'd like to come with me when I go and see my family tomorrow morning. My uncle will lend us his charger if I get him in a good mood – he's not Bucephalus but he's tough and he's very fast… would you like to?"

I did not answer at once. He was sitting very close to me now and I could hear his soft breathing. He seemed relaxed, but I could feel the expectation between us. "Yes," I said quietly, "yes, I'd like that."

Nireus reached out and pressed my hand in his.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**FEEDING APPLES TO DEATH**

**CHAPTER 4:** Helenus spends the day with Nireus, meets some of his family – which unfortunately includes his unpleasant uncle – and has a close encounter with Death.

**NOTES:** Thank you to EVERYONE who has reviewed or is just reading anyway (you don't have to review, honestly!) - you've just made a writer squeal with happiness! I have tried to be as accurate as I can about what life for the Royal Pages would have been like so I hope it's fairly convincing. (In another story I'm working on, I wanted to try and show the army from all angles... pages, soldiers, scribes, camp-followers and so on - it remains to be seen now that will turn out, but there will be more of Narcissus (for those who don't find him insufferable!), Hyacinthus, Euxenippus and - don't kill me! Bagoas too, in that story when it's FINALLY finished... it starts with Olympias making trouble, so I think she's cursed me from beyond the grave!)

I have to say I like Nireus just as he is too - when I created him his face was in perfect condition (as part of a scene from "One way or another" which I later cut and reused) but then I decided too many of my characters were good-looking and it was getting a bit silly , and his not, at least by Greek standards, being beautiful added a new dimension to things in "Competing for second place." The ancient Greeks really were fixated with physical beauty. The problem was coming up with a reason for him getting himself disfigured - it couldn't be a birth defect, bearing in mind the Greeks' distressing habit of exposing deformed or sickly babies.

Makes you wonder what, if anything, was wrong with Harpalos, doesn't it? Probably couldn;t have been a club-foot, as I think Mary Renault suggested, as he would have been born that way. Rather a chilling thought, but there you are...

NOW I WILL SHUT UP AND LET YOU ENJOY THIS!

* * *

I awoke the early that morning filled with excitement at the prospect of the coming day. All I could think of was what good fun it would be to go riding with Nireus. I wondered if his uncle really would lend us his charger – I knew only too well boys often promised what they could not deliver and I resolved not to show any disappointment if it turned out Nireus had done just that. Nothing, I decided, was going to ruin this day with my new friend.

I met him over by the tents occupied by Hephaestion and his staff. I had feared I would be foolishly early but Nireus was there, wrapped in a fur against the early morning chill, talking amicably to two of Hephaestion's guards.

One of the sentries caught sight of me and grinned suggestively. "Joy to you, pretty boy," he smirked, "don't tell me you're going to throw away your virtue on this Cyclops! How about you come and keep me company instead? I'll show you what a real man can give you!"

I glared hotly at the guard and was about to tell him what I thought of his offer when Nireus put his arm around me and steered me gently but firmly away. "Frankly, Sitalces," he called back over his shoulder, "judging from the ugly camp whores you favour, I'd've thought I'd be far more your type than Helenus…"

I heard the sound of loud, derisive laughter echoing behind us but I did not turn back, keeping my eyes fixed firmly on my feet. Only when we were a good few feet away did I dare to look up at Nireus. Unlike me, he seemed quite unperturbed. His arm was still around my shoulders – had he been Hylas or Narcissus I would have slipped my own about his waist without a second thought. I didn't – but I couldn't help moving a little closer, partly out of sympathy; partly out of a sudden nervousness about what might lie ahead.

"I don't know how you put up with pigs like that," I muttered.

Nireus just shrugged. "I used to mind it, when I was younger. I was never much of a one for getting into fights, but I didn't know what else to do when some boy would make a joke like that. Then one day the pedagogue who used to tutor me and a group of other boys caught one of them calling me a Cyclops…" A small smile tugged at his lips. It wasn't his usual sweet smile – it was far more predatory. "He dragged the boy out in front of us and said, "if you had been paying attention to your lessons, you would know that the Cyclops had only one eye, while Nireus quite clearly has two… both of which, so far as we know, work perfectly well. As you obviously haven't been listening to anything I've been trying to teach you, you're going to get ten strokes. And if any of the rest of you show your ignorance by making the same mistake, you'll get twenty." He was a cunning old fox… it didn't stop the teasing completely, of course, but somehow after that it didn't bother me so much…"

I contemplated this story in silence for a few moments. My own pedagogue had been too busy pursuing and upbraiding Narcissus to say anything that clever. Thinking of my own brother made me realise I knew very little about Nireus or his family. "Your father isn't here with the army, is he?" I asked.

Nireus shook his head. "He's still in Thessaly. He breeds horses for the cavalry. He used to serve, but to be honest I think he's fonder of his land and his horses than he is of warfare or glory, and it suited him to stay behind and look after the family interests. Then again, when he was younger he fought against King Philip, so perhaps that put him off…!"

"I don't think my father likes fighting that much either," I admitted, encouraged by Nireus' honesty. "He served under General Antipater but I think he's happier serving him as an administrator instead of a soldier. Hylas' father served with the Companions, though… and Euxenippus' father too…"

Nireus frowned slightly. "I feel sorry for him," he murmured, "he seems… lost, somehow…"

"Oh, don't worry about Hylas," I replied cheerfully, "my brother and I are always looking out for him…"

"Actually I was thinking of Euxenippus…"

I was more than a little perplexed by that. Euxenippus was an odd character – certainly hard to get to know, and not always easy to like. I'd heard the rumours about his wounded father and the gossip about the son not matching up to him in his grandfather's eyes. But it seemed a strange thing for Nireus to be concerned about.

Before I could pursue this any farther, however, another, more relevant mystery surfaced in my mind. "That day we looked at those horses," I began slowly. "What was that all about, Nireus?"

That wolfish smile I had seen moments earlier returned, widening into a grin. "Oh _that_…" he nodded with obvious pleasure. "Some of the Thessalian horses had been stolen a few weeks before. There was a rumour about that some of the local bandits were stealing horses from one group of the army and trying to sell them back to another. So, for instance, selling Thessalian chargers to the Companions. When those traders came offering Alexander horses he asked me to have a look at them."

I stared at him. "He asked _you?"_

"Why not? I'd recognise Thessalian stock anywhere…"

"No – " I couldn't help blushing, realising how my words sounded. "No, I didn't mean it like that… but… why not just get one of the grooms, or a cavalry officer…?"

Nireus shrugged. "That would have put the traders on their guard. Hephaestion thought it was far better to send a boy who'd easily just be taken for what he was… a Royal Page."

I nodded eagerly. It all sounded rather clever and exciting. "And they weren't the stolen horses?"

Nireus grinned again, more generously this time. "Well they weren't stolen from us, at any rate. They were Persian horses – beauties, too. It wouldn't surprise me if they'd been stolen straight from under King Darius' Immortals!"

I laughed at this, asking him more about horses. After that we ended up talking about his father's own fight against Philip and how Nireus had come to serve directly under Alexander. He was an excellent storyteller, and I walked beside him, utterly absorbed, until we reached the Thessalian tents.

We were greeted by a huge, hard muscled, weather-beaten, battle-scarred old veteran who made Nireus look like the double of Adonis. "Well I'll be damned," he bellowed in a voice that seemed to echo all the way across the camp, "so you've finally crawled back to see your family, you disloyal little pig-fucker!"

"Joy to you, Uncle," Nireus stepped forward to embrace the terrifying apparition with a manner of weary resignation.

"Forgotten all about us now that Caranus has buggered off back to Thessaly, eh?" the Cavalryman continued relentlessly. "Think you're too good for us now that you're sleeping at the feet of that Athenian pretty boy? And what's this you've brought?" He eyed me with a lascivious grin and licked his lips. "Brought your poor lonely old uncle a gift, have you…?" As he moved closer to me I could not help taking several steps back.

"This is my friend Helenus son of Lysander," Nireus introduced me, putting a steadying hand on my arm. "Helenus, this is my uncle Thanatos son of Heracles…"

"Thanatos…?" I echoed dubiously. I didn't think a man had ever been more appropriately named. The sight of him riding towards you in battle would probably be enough to strike you dead on the spot.

Thanatos studied me through narrowed black eyes. "Son of Lysander, eh? You wouldn't be the brother of Narcissus, would you? That saucy little bastard nearly caused a brawl amongst my men the other week… ought to be horsewhipped if you ask me! Too pretty for his own good, that one, and doesn't he know it! Hah!" He leaned closer to me. "Take after him, do you? Planning to make short work of my poor nephew? Well just watch yourself… or I'll make short work of _you!_ And won't I enjoy doing it," he added, staring pointedly at my thighs. "It's not every day a sweet little honey-cake like you appears on my plate!" He threw back his head and laughed uproariously.

I squirmed back in horror, shuffling as close to Nireus as I could without actually appearing as though I was hiding behind him. Nireus himself tolerated his uncle's harassment of me with a quiet patience. "Uncle," he said when the laughter had subsided a little, "would you mind if we borrowed your charger for an hour or two?"

"_Ohhhhh!"_ Thanatos nodded knowingly. "Fancy a bit of a ride, do you? Are you a good little rider, then, son of Lysander?" he leered at me. "So you _do_ take after your brother after all?"

I recoiled, quite ready to make up some excuse and head directly back to Alexander's tents, but Nireus' fingers tightened on my arm. "If you don't mind, Uncle," he pressed in the same blandly innocent tone as before.

Thanatos glared down at his nephew. Nireus gazed back up at him expectantly. For me moment seemed to last forever.

Thanatos grunted in disgust. "Ach, you never were any fun, boy," he snarled, though there was a faint trace of amusement in his expression as he turned on his heel and beckoned for us to follow him to the stables. _"Aeneas! _ Get a move on, you lazy little mule-fucking tyke!"

A moment later a boy who bore more than a passing resemblance to Nireus and wore a similar long-suffering expression, led out a stallion as black as Bucephalus. Colour was about the only thing this animal had in common with Alexander's beloved charger - it appeared to me to have more in common with those flesh-eating mares encountered by Heracles. It had to be the ugliest, most scarred and ferocious looking horse I had ever seen. Horse and rider were never more perfectly matched.

Nireus stepped forward to greet both horse and groom with familiar affection, patting the former and warmly kissing the latter. He threw on the saddle cloth himself and led them both over to me, introducing the boy Aeneas, unsurprisingly, as the son of Thanatos – for which he had my instant and heartfelt sympathy.

I tried to think of something complimentary to say about the horse as good manners surely directed, but words failed me. "Wh-what's his name…?" I asked, unable to help cringing back from it a little just as I had from its master.

Thanatos grunted and gave me a stinging smack on the backside. _"Death!"_

"I might have known," I muttered sourly. The laughter of Nireus' uncle almost split my ears.

* * *

Actually Death – his full name, I later learned, being Death To All Enemies of Thessaly - turned out to have more in common with Nireus than with Thanatos. Though lively and intelligent beyond doubt, he was not headstrong like Bucephalus and he obeyed the slightest nudge of my foot or knee or clench of my thighs so quickly and patiently that tugging on the reins was hardly necessary. On Nireus' insistence I took the horse for a short canter on the outskirts of the camp and after a few nervous seconds thoroughly enjoyed myself. I stroked Death's shaggy mane affectionately, grateful beyond measure that he had not suddenly unseated me within view of the Thessalian stables. It was almost enough to make me forgive both uncle and nephew for my earlier humiliation.

Almost.

Nireus grinned at me as I rode back to him. "I can see you enjoyed that!"

"Enjoyed a good ride, you mean?" I answered with heavy irony, jumping down from Death's back.

Nireus blinked at me in surprise. Then he chuckled. "Oh come on, Helenus… it was only a bit of teasing. Teasing doesn't matter, remember? I ought to know…"

I knew he was right, but his nonchalance vexed me. "Narcissus wouldn't stand for that from one of his admirers for a minute! Aren't you supposed to protect me if you're trying to court me?"

Nireus tilted his head to the side, eyeing me curiously. "Who says I'm trying to court you…?"

"Oh! I… I…" I squirmed in embarrassment, feeling my cheeks grow hot. "I – I don't know, I… I thought…"

Nireus' gaze softened as he stepped closer to me. He stroked my cheek with the back of his thumb. "Well… maybe I am. I'm not sure yet…"

"_Wh-what - ?"_

"I'm sorry about the teasing, all right? Uncle Thanatos is an incorrigible old bugger who likes to bait boys the way other men bait bulls. If I'd risen to it, the whole thing would've turned into a row and we'd never have got hold of Death. As it was, you endured the labour Thanatos set you like a true hero, and you've won Death as your prize! You should be proud of yourself!"

"_Nireus…!" _I protested weakly, but I could not help a small rush of pleasure at being characterised so heroically. "Oh – by the way, who's Caranus?"

"Huh - ?" Nireus seemed genuinely bemused for a moment. Then he nodded as if in sudden understanding. "He's a junior office in the Thessalian cavalry. He went back home a few months ago to take over his father's estates."

"Was he a friend of yours?"

It was the first time I had actually seen Nireus look hesitant. "He was my lover," he answered quietly.

"Oh!" For a moment my mind went completely blank. I did not know what to think. Initially, I'm sorry to say, I only felt surprise that a boy who looked like Nireus would have had a lover. I chastised myself for the thought. The fact that I cared for Nireus – the fact that, though I became befuddled at the thought of it, I was _attracted_ to Nireus - the fact that I apparently cared for him enough and even desired him enough to actually resent this Caranus for having some sort of prior claim on him – surely proved the wooliness of my thinking.

Then, dizzily, I began to contemplate the possibility that I might have been quite woolly-headed about a lot of things. Maybe Nireus _wasn't_ courting me at all! Maybe he was just lonely without Caranus and in need of a friend! Maybe… even worse… he had noticed how everyone thought of me primarily not as "Helenus" but as "the brother of that _Narcissus_" and…

And just felt sorry for me.

"I'm sorry..." I added at length.

Nireus looked surprised. "What for?"

"Well – that he's gone home." I really did _try_ to mean that, though I was not sure I did. "You must miss him."

Nireus sighed. "It's not like that, Helenus. We grew up together, that's all. He's only a few years older than me, really. It wasn't like he courted me or bought me gifts or any of that usual silly stuff; I wouldn't have been able to keep a straight face if he'd done that! It was just… you know… a bit of fun. Look, Uncle Thanatos only mentioned him to make trouble between us… I told you, boy baiting is a sport for him!"

I remained silent for a moment, still not quite sure how I felt about these new revelations. But then I reached out and put a hand on Death's flank, stroking firmly. With a gentleness that belied his appearance the horse turned his scarred head and nuzzled me. It would be a great shame, I decided, to waste a ride on this excellent horse out of pure petulance. I turned and smiled at Nireus.

* * *

We rode Death at a fast gallop around the entire perimeter of the Macedonian camp. The sense of freedom was as exhilarating as the speed itself – I could almost imagine us riding away for miles, leaving everyone and everything behind to seek our fortunes in unknown lands. It was no surprise that Nireus was an excellent rider; under his command Death truly excelled, showing his full spirit.

I held on lightly, knowing better than to cling too hard for fear of toppling us both from Death's back, but as the wind rushed through my hair and I felt the horse's warmth through the saddle cloth mixing with the warmth of Nireus's body close to mine, I could not help but rest my head against his back.

All too soon the ride was over. We had come full circle. Nireus jumped effortlessly from the horse's back and then turned and held up his arms as if to lift me down, just as if I was some Persian princess he had the duty of escorting into camp!

"I don't need help...!" I cried, half amused, half indignant.

Nireus looked up at me solemnly. I heard him give a soft sigh. "I know you don't, Helenus…"

I caught my breath. Then I allowed myself to slide down into his arms. I could feel his body against mine – hard, youthful muscle. I could even feel him breathing… feel his heart beat. Somehow the fact that it was as quickened as mine was made me feel just a little less nervous.

"Nireus…?" I whispered helplessly. _"Are_ you courting me…?"

He lowered his eyes. "Would you like me to?"

"I…" I swallowed hard. "I – I don't know…"

"Helenus…" Nireus slid his hand up the side of my neck. "Can I kiss you?"

Wordlessly I nodded and closed my eyes. I felt his lips upon mine, warm and soft. Desire broke over me like a sudden fever and I felt my legs grow weak, a soft noise of protest escaping from me when the kiss was broken. I expected another to replace it, this time with more force, but that did not happen. Nireus' arms tightened around me and he held me close, pressing his face into my shoulder, his breath hot on my neck. Hesitantly I slid my hands up the length of his back and gripped his shoulders.

It was a feeling unlike any I had experienced before. I was overwhelmed. I was actually trembling.

Then all at once he released me. "Come on," he sighed. "Death will catch a chill if we don't rub him down, and then Uncle Thanatos will cut off my balls and sell me to a Persian!"

I burst into nervous giggles.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**FEEDING APPLES TO DEATH**

**CHAPTER 5:** Helenus is anxious and confused enough about his feelings for Nireus without unwanted counsel from his brother Narcissus… which is unfortunate, because he's going to get it anyway…

* * *

"Little brother, I am utterly heartbroken," Narcissus declared as he threw himself down onto my camp-bed that evening. "My gallant Menestheus has managed to get himself dumped in Hephaestion's dreary little town! When the army moves out in a few days I shall never see him again!"

I made a face to indicate just how seriously I took his heartbreak. Menestheus had only been important to him because he had been relatively resistant to Narcissus' charms and came from a well connected Cretan family. My brother was never anything but canny in his choice of lovers. "You're supposed to report for duty in half an hour," I reminded him flatly. "Come on, you don't want to get another beating…" I yawned widely, shifted onto my side and curled up in a great show of getting ready to sleep. "Health to you…"

"Wait, little brother, not so fast…" Narcissus turned me back to him with a hard tug on my shoulder. "What have you been getting up to while I've been having my heart broken?"

I pushed him off irritably. "I don't know what you mean…"

"Oh yes you do…" Narcissus leaned closer, his eyes narrowed suspiciously. "What exactly is going on between you and that Nireus?"

"Nothing," I snapped. "We're just friends… anyway, leave me alone, I'm tired!"

The last thing I wanted was to be pestered by my brother. Though my day with Nireus had been highly enjoyable, it had left me feeling increasingly uneasy and I certainly didn't need Narcissus adding to my growing doubts.

We had groomed Death ourselves, something I always found more a pleasure than a chore, and then shared a meal with one of Nireus' uncles – not Thanatos, thank all the gods, but his younger brother Ares, who in spite of his warlike name was actually gentle and good-humoured and not in the least given to teasing. His wife Enyo and his young son and daughters had followed the army resolutely all the way from Thessaly; I could not deny it felt good to be in the company of family after a long time.

Afterwards he had mentioned visiting the new town again. He seemed to think Hephaestion would allow us to go the night before the main army decamped – he usually let his staff do as they pleased on such an evening, as many would be parting company with friends or family either temporarily or permanently. It was something of which Alexander always approved. Looking at half-completed foundations might have sounded a very dull prospect except for the way he talked of it with such infectious enthusiasm. I found myself agreeing to the plan without hesitation.

When I left him around noon to take the afternoon watch over Alexander, we did not kiss or embrace again but somehow that did not seem to matter. I felt as I might after a good cup or two of wine – pleasantly warm and light headed. It all seemed quite perfect.

But once I was back on duty and had to focus my attention elsewhere, I began to doubt the alacrity with which I had agreed to Nireus' offer. I had effectively consented to be alone with him of an evening – a good distance away from the camp with very few people around. I began to wonder exactly what the older boy would expect from me. He had had a lover – what had the two of them done together?

I wasn't ignorant of the possibilities, of course. I become well acquainted with the delights my hand could offer my loins long before Narcissus had left Macedon. My brother had caught me at it, as it had seemed he inevitably must, but for once he had been encouraging and kind and I had known then that I could always come to him for advice, whether it was how to deal with potential suitors, how to attract one I liked or reject one I didn't, or what to do with one when I had him.

It hadn't seemed to matter much up until now – though I was far from blind to the attractions all around me, my desires had always seemed impersonal and unconnected. I might take great pleasure in waiting upon Alexander at his bath, admiring handsome Hephaestion in the gymnasium, lazily watching pretty Euxenippus stretching his lithe body in the training grounds or in gawping at some wine-flushed hetaera dancing naked at a particularly overheated symposium, but within such fancies I was always an observer, never a participant.

But now it was as if everything I had accepted and understood had been tossed up into the air and thrown down again in a hopeless jumble. What I felt for Nireus wasn't like anything I had felt for anyone before, because this time I was right in the centre of the battle, not on the sidelines looking on. And it seemed as though I couldn't turn to Narcissus for advice, as I had always planned on doing when this time finally came, because as things stood, Narcissus was absolutely the last person with whom I wanted to share the secrets of my troubled heart.

What, exactly, was I committing myself to?

And what would happen after that?

"Well I hope Nireus knows that," Narcissus was saying. His tone was light but there was a hard edge to it that I knew only too well. He was watching me very closely. "I wouldn't want some ugly no-account Thessalian boy getting amorous ideas about my little brother… I mean it, Helenus," he added harshly. "Don't go making a fool of yourself feeling sorry for him. He can take care of himself, and you can do a great deal better."

I wanted to defend Nireus against my brother's callous words, but I found myself unable to respond. Whatever I said, Narcissus would swoop upon my words like a hawk on a rabbit. "It's not like that," I said lamely. "He… let me ride one of the Thessalian cavalry horses, that's all."

I could feel Narcissus' gaze hard upon me for another long moment before I heard him sigh and felt his weight shift from the bed. "Do you know, I think Alexander's developing quite a soft spot for our Euxenippus? It might be quite interesting to see where that goes… I know half the camp is just waiting to prize Alexander loose from the barbarian embraces of the little Persian boy…"

I scowled. To his face, or in the company of others besides me, Narcissus could be quite vitriolic towards Alexander's Persian page Bagoas. But when we were alone like this his attitude was far more clinical, just as it was to most others around him. He never really took anything very seriously – except the two of us. Up until now he had held the same detached attitude to Nireus. Now I could sense something personal in it and it added greatly to my discomfort.

There was no way I would be able to hide my plans with Nireus from Narcissus when the evening finally arrived. It would only look more suspicious if I tried. There was bound to be an argument when he found out.

My elder brother's disapproval was not something to be taken lightly. I told myself that over and over as I began to search increasingly frantically for a reason to cancel the visit to the new town, insisting to myself I was only trying to avoid an ugly scene between the two of them, with me caught in the middle.

That wasn't the reason – at least not the only one – I had begun to worry more and more as the time grew closer. I knew it in my heart, though I hardly wanted to acknowledge it in the tumult of my thoughts. There were many reasons not to go to the new town with Nireus. It was just that none of them made me feel very proud of myself.

Whenever I saw Nireus he would always smile and wave happily at me. I found it harder and harder to smile back. What was he thinking? What did he expect from me? Was he already thinking of me as his beloved? Had he already told his friends and family that was what I was? In my worst moments I actually felt a harsh resentment against him. What right did he have to think that, anyway? Just because I had… let him kiss me. It didn't mean anything.

Perhaps if I had had a chance to talk to little Hylas during these days things might have gone so much better. Hylas, it seems to me now, was a source of quite instinctive reason. He wasn't very scholarly in the strict sense; when we had been tutored together he was frequently scolded for his inattention and forgetfulness. He excelled in music and could always remember stories and took his religious devotions far more seriously than Narcissus or I, but above all I think his true strength lay in his simple, thoughtful compassion, for the most part unclouded by worries of status or position or traditional convention or – so it seemed on the surface – practical common sense.

Hylas would, I think, have disregarded all of my worries. But Hylas was not with me during those troubled days. He and Hyacinthus had been seconded to Philip, Alexander's most favoured physician, to help in a search for local supplies of some sort of medicinal herbs and would not be back until after the army had moved on.

So instead of facing the problem head on, I looked for ways to avoid it.

It was ironic, perhaps, that it was Narcissus who offered the perfect solution. He wanted to change duties with me the night before the main army marched out so that he could have a last crack at showing that rather haughty Menestheus what he would soon be missing. It wasn't allowed – and it would mean my having to endure a double watch – but we both more or less decided that with the army getting ready to move out, and Alexander parting with his beloved Hephaestion for at least a month (an event which was always preceded by the handsome young man in question staying alone with the king until the early hours of the morning) would be distraction enough for us to get away with it.

When he had first made the request, a day or two after I had gone riding with Nireus, I had refused point blank, making various excuses along the lines of not wanting to get scolded or even whipped. At that time, though I was not totally happy, I was still not ready to face Nireus and tell him I would not go. Under relentless questioning I had finally admitted the truth, though I was as careful as I could be to make light of it. Narcissus didn't look pleased but he was evidently convinced by my nonchalance and let me be.

He seemed a little surprised when I suddenly changed my mind the very morning before Nireus and I were due to leave for the town. I could see my brother was pleased, both by my agreement and my apparently careless dismissal of my would-be lover. Perhaps he thought there was hope for me yet! I was to think later, however, that however fickle Narcissus could be, he was never so thoughtlessly cruel to any of his admirers as I was to Nireus son of Leonidas that evening.

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

**FEEDING APPLES TO DEATH **

**CHAPTER 6:** So what happened next? Well if you remember _Competing for second place _you'll already know. The question is, how will Helenus make things better?

**SMALL NOTE: **I've decided to cram all the "angst" (ooh I hate that word!) into one chapter, as (I hope) it shows Helenus undergoing a process of gradual understanding. Thank you, thank you to all of you who have reviewed, I will reply properly but am borrowing a computer to do this so will stay brief and just say that I imagine Nireus' grandparents must have been rather strange people... fortunately the madness diluted a bit by the third generation...

* * *

In the early hours of the morning that followed I lay on my camp-bed, cringing in misery. I could not believe my own stupidity. There was no reason for it to have happened like that. Had I been endowed with even a small portion of Narcissus' keen wit I could have slipped away to Nireus for a few moments to tell him I could not go to the town after all. I had the perfect excuse – I was doing a favour for my brother. I knew it was wrong, of course, but it was family and what could I do? Nireus might have been disappointed or angry but he couldn't have made a fuss without getting both me and Narcissus into trouble. And the next morning he would have been left behind with Hephaestion while I moved on with Alexander and when we were reunited a couple of months later I could be friendly but distant and he would decide that I had had time to think and had chosen not to accept his advances.

I had _known_ Hephaestion would come to Alexander and I had _known_ Nireus would come with him. It was the way things always happened. I had known that and yet I had sat there like an idiot, polishing armour and enduring Narcissus vexing me with his favourite subject of how I couldn't stay a virgin forever and how he would find me a suitable lover. And I had still sat there when Nireus appeared, his disfigured countenance bright with secret happiness as he assured me it would be fine for us to go to the town together and that Thanatos had even agreed to lend us Death for the journey.

And I had let it all happen. I had let Nireus suffer Narcissus' careless jibes before humiliating him myself in front of Narcissus and Euxenippus by telling him I didn't much care about missing out on my evening with him. Only when he had risen to leave had I begun to realise just how badly things had gone and how much better they might have gone and to understand how very close I now was to losing the affection of a boy I could not, however much I wanted to, deny that I cared for. At the last minute I had asked him to stay – in a rather clumsy, ungracious way, I will admit. It was hardly surprising that he rejected me.

_My uncle's leaving with the main army; I'd better go and see him tonight._ He said it so calmly. What he really meant, as only the two of us knew, was _I'll have to go and tell my uncle not to bother waiting for us to collect his horse… the horse he kindly offered to lend us…_

For some reason it was the thought of Death, that ugly, good-natured, unkindly named black horse which finally choked me with tears. I would never get to ride him again. I would probably never even get to _see_ him again, unless it was before a battle. With a sudden jolt I remembered a plan I had made to set some apples aside for him. There would be no point in doing that now. I couldn't even ask Nireus to give them to him on my behalf. Because Nireus was not going to be my friend anymore. I hid my face in my hands and wept silently and bitterly.

* * *

Over the days that followed I felt even more wretched than I had the night I had rejected Nireus. I found myself unconsciously looking out for him even though I knew he was not going to pass by. I missed him more acutely than I had ever thought possible. Over and over, against my will, I found myself reliving the brief moments we had shared. Our first meeting by Hephaestion's tent _(Joy to you, pretty green eyes…) _Our conversation after the wrestling match (Nireus' beautiful body sleek with oil. His hand upon my neck. His gentle words. That _look,_ as though he was acknowledging a mutual attraction between us.) The ride, and how it had ended _(can I kiss you?)_

That kiss. That one kiss.

I had panicked, I tried to reason. I had not known how to deal with the courtship of a potential lover. I had been confused. Boys my age made stupid mistakes. We couldn't all be clever about these things the way Narcissus was. Maybe Nireus would understand. In my position, Hylas, for example, might easily have made a mess of things the way I had. If Hylas had a brother like Narcissus worrying at him and mixing everything up.

Only Hylas would never have been so needlessly cruel.

But maybe I was worrying about nothing. Nireus appeared to be pretty thick skinned. He would probably think me a bit silly but he would surely understand. And a potential _eromenos _was supposed to be scornful and evasive, or at least that was what I had heard.

Then I remembered the look he had given me before he left. It wasn't anger… it was something more like disillusionment. I had sunk in his estimation.

Suddenly and clearly I remembered his mocking comments on the conventions of courtship when he had told me about his friend Caranus. He had not brought me flowers or – the gods forbid – some stupid flea-bitten hare as a gift; he had not recited poetry to me, languished at my feet claiming not to have eaten for days for despair of ever winning me, offered to die for me, boasted of the wealth and influence of his family or even – except for the occasional "Pretty Green-Eyes"- paid me many compliments. In short, he had not done any of the things I had seen my brother's suitors do. And it had not even occurred to me to resent that, because what he had done was far better – he had made me feel a part of his family, taken me riding on a marvellous horse and offered to show me the foundations of a new city he had helped to lay. He had tried to share what he treasured with me. Just as a friend would.

I had not thought about it then – but now I understood. As it must have been with Caranus, so he had expected it to be with me. If I was worried I could have come and talked to him. No foolish pretence; no feigned reluctance or flighty swings of temper. That was not what he expected for us – better to leave that to those who seemed to accept it as par for the course; to the men who courted Narcissus.

Narcissus…

The uncertainty, the confusion, the knowledge that I would have to wait weeks… maybe even months… before I would even get a chance to talk to Nireus again weighed heavily upon me. But a sense of guilt weighed heaviest of all. I didn't want to bear it alone. I wanted to shift the weight onto someone else – or at least share a part of it.

Narcissus was perfect for that.

I had a fair go at blaming him when I tried to write a letter to Nireus. Alexander's herald was a friendly young man and I knew he wouldn't mind passing on a letter to Nireus along with the usual despatches to Hephaestion. I had begun, _Dearest Nireus, please forgive me for what happened before you left. It was all Narcissus' fault. He…_

I got no further. The words just would not flow.

Two weeks after we had moved out, I went to my bed footsore and depressed after a long day of marching and a long evening of Alexander drinking with his friends. He was always more irritable when Hephaestion was not there; he had seemed quite taken with Euxenippus for a while and of course he had Bagoas to keep him company, but that didn't really seem to help. Narcissus insisted on giving me a running commentary on a war he said had been declared between Alexander's two favoured boys, but I wasn't interested. I wasn't interested in anything my brother had to say.

So I was less than pleased when heard him wish me joy and slump down beside me, telling me to move over and give him room. We had often bedded together as small children, for comfort and warmth. Later, with the army, I had considered it a rare treat to have my brother sleep beside me – he was so often away with one lover or another. Now I pushed him away irritably.

"Go away!" I hissed at him.

"What's up with you, little brother?" I could hear the surprise in his voice. "You've been in a bad mood for a while now – what is it, toothache or the shits?"

I sat up abruptly. _"Just go away!"_

Narcissus eyed me shrewdly. "Come to think of it, you've been in a constant sulk since the army moved on! Don't tell me you're actually having second thoughts about your little outing with that Thessalian boy! Don't be so stupid, little brother – you shouldn't start feeling sorry for him. I told you, he can take care of himself. If you ask me he's off his head thinking he stands a chance with you anyway… Look, just forget about him. I'll find you someone much better…"

His words were like knives stabbing into me. They sickened me. I felt as though just by hearing them I was rejecting Nireus all over again. _"Shut up!" _I shouted at him. "Shut up and leave me alone! _Go and bed down with whichever of the Companions you're fucking at the moment!"_

For a moment Nireus simply stared at me. Then he slapped me very hard across the face – harder, in fact, than he had ever hit me before – jarring my teeth and making my ears sing. "Don't you ever use language like that to me again," he snarled at me, "what are you, some dirty little camp whore?"

"I don't care," I spat, "I hate you! I hate being your brother! It's your fault – _everything's your fault!"_

"If you're talking about Nireus, I don't see why it's my fault," Narcissus answered me scornfully, "_I _didn't force you to change your plans with him – you offered, remember!"

"Well I _shouldn't _have done! I only did it because… because I knew _you _wouldn't like it if I went with Nireus!"

"Well of course I wouldn't. What were you expecting? Were you waiting for me to pat you on the head and tell you to run off and become his beloved? You'd have had a long wait on your hands little brother, and no mistake! I'd never approve of that – no, not because he's ugly, if that's what you think," Narcissus cut me off before I could protest, "but because there's no benefit for you in it! What has he got to offer you? His uncles are just Thessalian cavalrymen – very brave I'm sure, but they're hardly going to make it to some sort of high command, are they? And his father's back in Thessaly breaking horses!"

"That's all that matters to you, isn't it?" I accused him, feeling hot rage swelling inside me. "All you care about is what advantages there might be for you!"

"So what if it is? Why shouldn't I look out for myself? No-one else will! Besides, it's you I'm thinking of, little brother, not just myself! Because the fact is, Nireus _is _ugly! _I_ don't care about that – half the soldiers in this camp are scarred in some way or other – but other people will! They'll say cruel, horrible things to you and they'll laugh at you for having a lover who looks like him and they'll never understand why you'd settle for him! Don't tell me you haven't thought of that!"

I flinched. I couldn't help it. Those words stung me far more than the earlier slap had done.

Either the guilt was transparently clear on my face, or my brother just knew me too well. His eyes suddenly narrowed in understanding. "Oh yes…" he nodded, "of course you thought of that! _That's_ what this is all about, isn't it? You don't want my approval - you want me to tell you to stay away from him! You want me to do your dirty work, to give you the perfect excuse not to become Nireus' beloved! That's why you agreed to swap duties, isn't it? Because you're _ashamed _of him!"

"_That's not true!"_

"Oh, yes it is. You're just afraid to face up to it, little brother." Narcissus' tone was wry. "You may think me cold-blooded, but at least I'm honest about it. I know what I want and I don't worry about what I have to go through to get it. If you want something you should be ready to fight for it, no matter what anyone else says. You ran away from the battle before it even started, and now you're trying to tell me I was the one who made you! So tell me, little brother, which one of us is worse?"

He got to his feet and slipped out of the tent without another word.

_You're ashamed of him!_

I wanted to scream over and over that it wasn't true. But I knew, quite clearly then, that it was. Or at least that it _had_ been. Though I had been worried about what might happen between us that evening, I had been more afraid of what others would think and say if anything happened at all. It was bad enough being the brother of "that Narcissus" – after that I would have been known as the beloved of "that Page of Hephaestion's. The Cyclops. The one with the squint. The ugly one." Nireus could cope with all that teasing. I had not thought that _I _could.

But now, sitting alone on my camp bed, I knew how foolish I had been. Everything was suddenly very clear. Nireus was right all along. There were far more painful things to endure than unkind words.

I loved him. I loved Nireus. I loved him and I had been too proud, too stupid, too muddle-headed and too worried about the opinions of others to recognise it. And now there was a very good chance I would lose him forever.

I don't know how long I sat there, numbly letting the tears trickle down my cheeks. All I remember was Narcissus suddenly appearing beside me once more. I was astonished – I had been quite certain he would not return until morning.

"Don't cry little brother," I heard him say as he reached out to wipe my face; "nobody's worth this many tears. Not even your beloved Cyclops…"

"Stop calling him that! He's _not_ a Cyclops,"I sniffed miserably, pushing his hand away. "A Cyclops has only one eye, and Nireus has two – both of which work perfectly well!"

I heard Narcissus sigh as he slipped an arm around my shoulders and drew me close. "Maybe you're right at that, little brother," he whispered as he kissed my damp cheek, "maybe you're right at that…"

* * *

I have very little to say about the weeks that followed before Hephaestion's return. The only notable incident was when Alexander arranged to join Hephaestion for a few days of hunting. I was so desperate to see Nireus then that I actually dared to ask if I could go in place of Narcissus, who Alexander had chosen to attend upon him on the trip.

To my astonishment, Narcissus actually supported me in this. Admittedly he did it in his usual lazy, insolent way, making it appear as though he was simply trying to get out of going. To this very day I am not entirely sure if he meant to help me, or only to help himself. Whichever it was, Alexander refused outright and scolded us both for our earlier little trick of switching duties. Apparently he was not quite as distracted by Hephaestion's charms as we had hoped.

Though I was deeply disappointed not to be going, I thought I might at least pass a message to Nireus through my brother. Narcissus could be many things but he was not underhand. If I told him to say something to my friend on my behalf, he would either refuse outright or do as I asked. He would not pretend to agree and then do the opposite.

I sat down to write a letter to him. I thought of the earlier plan of blaming Narcissus for everything and cursed myself for a coward and fool. I stared at the paper before me for a long time, and then began to write.

_Dearest Nireus, Please forgive me for what happened the night before you left. It was all my own fault. I…_

I _what?_ What could I possibly say? The words refused to come. Biting my lip in frustration, I crumpled up the paper and threw down my stylus. Tears welled up in my eyes, but I wiped them roughly away.

For once I was glad Hylas was away – he was my dearest friend, but I doubted he would think very highly of my conduct to Nireus when he finally returned.

* * *

It was partly thoughts of Hylas that made me finally resign myself to whatever would come. Poor Hylas had been through so much in his young life – what, I began to tell myself, were my troubles next to his? The only way I could come through this was to adopt his direct and honest approach and put my faith in the gods, even, or perhaps most of all, the god of love whose gift I had so stupidly spurned.

I shed no more tears for what might have been; no longer spent my quieter moments working out ways to excuse myself to Nireus. When he returned I would tell him exactly how I had felt that evening and exactly what I felt now. I would tell him that I was very sorry.

I would _not_ ask him for forgiveness. I would not ask him if he still wanted to be my friend. Or my lover. That would be his choice.

This new resolve did not make me feel any happier. But at least I thought I was behaving in a way that would make me feel no more shame.

When Narcissus returned from the hunt with Alexander, boasting of having seduced the fearsome Black Cleitos, I endured his barbed comments and his teasing without any complaint. I caught him watching me curiously once in a while, as if he was surprised by the change in me. Maybe he had been expecting me to ask about Nireus. But I didn't ask. I just waited. That was the labour I chose to undertake to atone for my sins.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

**FEEDING APPLES TO DEATH**

**CHAPTER 7:** As Hephaestion and his staff return, Helenus decides to face up to Nireus…

**N****OTE: **First of all, thank you, thank you all for supporting this story! I am so happy you like it! I am finishing two luxurious weeks off work today so here is another chapter for you - hopefully there should be no delay in posting the last part...

A quick note re Mistress of Nightmare's interesting comment - I am also fond of Bagoas (though like you I hated him in Renault's books - actually I am even more extreme - I hated her Alexander too, even in Fire From Heaven! Holier-than-thou little twerp! But let's not go there!) The more I go on reading, the more I think that perhaps our understanding of who he was and what he was might be flawed - judging from the amount of power eunuchs wielded in Persia before Alexander and, perhaps more tellingly, _after,_ in Greek-speaking, eastern-influenced Byzantium (the eastern Roman Empire) Bagoas might have been someone far more important than Alexander's "boy" if indeed he was Alexander's lover at all. It's only a minor theory, but all of Alexander's ancient historians, with perhaps the exception of gossipy Diodoros, took a very moralising slant on their subject and Roman moral standards were very different from Greek or Persian, in spite of this long-lingering image we have of Roman decadence...

If anyone is interested in such things, another classic example of an _extremely _powerful eunuch beside Bagoas the Vizier (not Alexander's Bagoas) is Narses, minister and general of Emperor Justinian of Byzantium, who led armies against the Goths. Then again, if you prefer straight-down-the-line honest soldiers, Justinian's first general Belisarius is a good choice!

Enough, enough, I've been doing too much reading! Enjoy Helenus' date with destiny...

* * *

At last. At long last, the time came. All of those of us who attended upon Alexander felt it without having to hear of it – as if a storm, brewing hot and humid over our heads had finally broken, we breathed a communal sigh of relief. Alexander, who had grown increasingly morose, was suddenly as bright and gay as an early summer morning, full of talk and ideas and plans and his tent bustled with activity. Though I was technically off duty, I tucked myself away in the shadows in case someone should find some extra task for me, and waited.

My heart skipped as I heard the cheers erupt through the camp. For a moment I was frozen to the spot, quite uncertain what to do. I almost considered retreating deep into Alexander's tent and pretending I had not heard Hephaestion's men return. I could wait, I told myself, until things had calmed down. It would be mortifying to be scorned by Nireus in full view of the camp. But I knew I wouldn't do that. I had vowed it to myself. Without another thought I dived out of the tent.

I did not have to look far for my friend. I caught my breath as I saw him standing with Admetus and Iason, showing a fine silvery wolf pelt to the friends who had gathered to welcome him home. "Nireus…" I whispered, "oh _Nireus…!"_ Without any further hesitation I ran forward and threw my arms about his neck.

He didn't return my embrace. I hadn't really expected him to. He just looked down at me with a puzzled frown, as if wondering just what I was playing at.

"I'm sorry," I cried, "I'm so sorry, it's all my fault, I'm just stupid, I've always _been _stupid, but I don't care, I don't care what anyone thinks, I don't even care what Narcissus thinks, I don't care if you're ugly – and – and – anyway, I don't think you're ugly, I think you're beautiful, I think you're the most beautiful person I've ever met and – and – and I – I – oh, Nireus, I…"

"Helenus…?" Apparently dazed by this sudden verbal onslaught, Nireus ducked his head down to me. Seizing my chance I raised my own head and kissed him on the lips as hard as I could.

It wasn't a very good kiss. I jarred our teeth together and I'm sure I bruised his lips. But it was enough to rally a wave of cheers and wolf whistles from the group around us. Hot with embarrassment I buried my face in the fur Nireus had draped over his shoulder and clasped him tighter. Just like that first time Nireus had kissed me, I could feel myself shaking. "I'm sorry," I kept repeating, _"I'm sorry…"_

I felt his hand stroking my hair, and his lips pressed to my brow. "It's all right now, sweet-heart," I heard him murmur in my ear, "I know…" I closed my eyes tightly so that I would not start to cry. In a louder more jocular tone I heard him say to Admetus beside him, "looks to me like I bagged something on the hunt after all!"

I didn't mind the laughter and the teasing that followed. If I was going to get used to it, I told myself, I might as well start right away.

* * *

The whole camp was in high spirits that evening – the atmosphere was infectious and when it combined with the sudden release of the tension I had being storing up for weeks it left me feeling light–headed, even a little sick. Nireus seemed to sense it – he kept me close to him and though he often stopped to kiss me or ruffle my hair, he made no attempt to draw us away from his friends.

We followed them to a quiet enough spot near the outskirts of the camp, lightly sheltered by trees. Iason skilfully laid a campfire and Admetus cut up, seasoned and skewered the meat they had been given by Hephaestion. It wasn't until I smelled it cooking that I realised how hungry I was; I had not had much of an appetite since Nireus had left. Within a short while I was feasting ravenously on bread, cheese, fruit and roasted venison and taking very big gulps of unmixed wine.

It was only after I had swallowed the last of my food that I caught Nireus' eye and was suddenly absolutely aware of what had just happened between us. It was as Nireus had said. It was all right now. We were together, and there was no more need for any confusion or doubt. I reached for his hand and clasped it tightly. He smiled at me and understood me perfectly. A moment later he pulled me to my feet and led me into the shadows.

* * *

It was cold away from the campfire. But I knew in Nireus' arms I would be warm. As he laid a fur down on the soft ground and sank down onto it, I slipped out of my chiton without any prompting and lay down beside him, feeling his eyes following my every move. The first kiss we shared as lovers, deep and passionate, left me dizzy and aching with desire, robbing me of any lingering fears. I had no time to worry about anything my brother had told me about the role and behaviour of an _eromenos; _no conscious thought to distract me from what I should or shouldn't do. I let my hands wander eagerly over the body I had admired since the day of the wrestling match, and repeatedly kissed the face I loved.

Nireus, as always, was gentle and patient, in spite of my sudden aggression. He didn't try to guide me. Didn't try to hold me down or take control of what we did. Though I had always felt the age difference between us, always felt just a little childish in the company of his maturity, in this he was just a boy like me, inquisitive and ready to learn. Only the certainty of his touch and the knowledge his skill suggested reminded me he was not as inexperienced as I was, but I didn't mind; if anything, it made me feel more adventurous.

Afterwards he wrapped the fur around us both and held me tight. As I looked up at him in the starlight, I could not help reaching up to touch his crushed cheekbone, exploring its irregular contours and letting my finger trace the curve of his broken nose. "I meant what I said," I whispered, "I do think you're beautiful, Nireus…"

My lover chuckled softly. "I'll take your word for it…"

I frowned. "I was so stupid. I was afraid… I was afraid you wouldn't like me anymore after what I…"

"Don't be foolish," Nireus said with a sigh. "I _love_ you, Helenus."

His words sent a pleasant shiver through my body. "I love you too," I breathed, "I really do…"

He kissed me. "I know, beloved…"

_Beloved._ Warmth filled me at the sound of that word. "Nireus…" I nudged his thigh with my knee, rubbing up against him. "Can we… you know… do it again…?"

I suppose I wasn't very good at being a meek and coy beloved. But Nireus didn't seem to mind. He looked down at me and grinned.

**TBC: **Nearly done, but a few loose ends to tie up, especially for Hylas (no, I haven't forgotten him!)


	8. Chapter 8

**FEEDING APPLES TO DEATH**

**CHAPTER 8: **So Helenus and Nireus are reconciled at last; but there are still a few surprises in store for Helenus, not least when Hylas returns…

**NOTES: **A last note to thank all of you who have supported this little story. This is the last chapter, but I do have a little follow-up I will post in a while which I originally posted on my LJ but didn't post on FF. It may be a while before I post anything new, because, quite simply, I don't have anything ready and I make a point of not posting things until I am absolutely sure they're finished... and that means reading and rereading them many times. Now that I am back at work I may be slow to reply to any messages but I WILL reply, I promise.

Oh, and if anyone is confused about what Hylas' statement at the end, I refer you to Hephaestion's slip of the tongue in "The Substitute."

* * *

As soon as I saw him I threw my arms about his neck and covered his scarred, ugly face in kisses. Only then did it really seem to hit me just how lucky I had been – or how blessed by the gods, as my mother would have sternly reminded me - and how close I had come to losing so much to my own stupid doubts.

"Oh Death!" I cried, choking back my joyful tears only because I knew Nireus' horrible old uncle was watching me, "Death, I'm so happy to see you again!"

"Knock that off, you little shit," snarled Thanatos, "I won't have you turning my charger into a Persian pouf with your womanish twittering! Anymore of that and you can borrow someone else's!"

"Look what I've got here, Death," I whispered, dipping a hand into the sack I carried, "some really nice, sweet, juicy red apples… from Phrygia," I added with a sly sideways glance at the cavalryman, who grunted and threw up his hands as Nireus and Aeneas burst out laughing.

I took Death on a long ride by myself before returning to collect my lover, who swung himself up beside me but made no move to take the reins. As we trotted along at a more leisurely pace, we discussed the new mission Alexander had assigned to Hephaestion.

"It's funny," I murmured wistfully, "just a little while ago all I used to think when I'd hear something like that was that Alexander would be like a bear with a sore head, for all the time Hephaestion would be away, and how we'd all have to watch our step and Narcissus was ten times more likely to get a whipping… now all I can think about is how much I'm going to miss you."

"Miss the sex at any rate," Nireus snorted. "Who'd've thought you'd make for such a voracious little beloved?"

"Just because you can't keep up," I countered, kicking his ankle with the heel of my boot. I had got used to Nireus' teasing at least and I knew well enough when he was only trying to lighten my mood.

Then again, he did have a point. I was beginning to believe I was insatiable. I could never have enough of my lover's kisses, caresses or embraces; even of the sight, feel and scent of his body. While he sometimes just wanted to talk or go walking or hunting or play games or practice in the gymnasium or a hundred other things boys did together, what I always wanted was to make love.

He grew exasperated with me sometimes, mocking me that I was proving worse than Narcissus and he was beginning to doubt my ability to remain true to only one lover, but I thought he was secretly flattered by it. For all he made light of his purported lack of beauty, beneath the light carelessness my Nireus was far too gentle and sensitive a soul not to feel just a little uncertainty about how others saw him, and I had a sense that there was some part of him that he never showed to me which drew reassurance from my passionate desire.

For me it was reassurance of a different kind. I had never been given cause to doubt my physical attractions – it was another matter entirely to have someone as clever as him appreciating my conversation and companionship as much as the symmetry of my features or the shapeliness of my thighs. Instead of merely lecturing me as so many older boys and men had a habit of doing, he actually seemed to want _my_ opinion – that was certainly something I was not used to!

I twisted around to smile up at him. "Hylas is back, you know! I can't wait to tell him about us! He'll be so pleased – he likes you a lot!"

"Are you sure he'll be happy…?" Nireus sounded genuinely uncertain. We had endured a more than fair amount of teasing since news of us had spread around the camp and I knew Nireus had borne the brunt of it and that it had not been easy, for all he professed to laugh it off.

"Oh don't worry about him," I assured him, squeezing one of the hands that gripped lightly at my waist. "I've told you, he's my best friend – just like a little brother! And you made a big impression on him that night… you know, the night of that drinking party when he spilled wine all over General Cleitos' woman… trust me, Nireus… he'll be overjoyed!"

* * *

For several minutes Hylas was crying too hard for me to make any sense of what he was trying to say. Bewildered and not a little distressed, I put my arm around him and rubbed his back soothingly until the sobs subsided.

"Come now, little one," I whispered in my gentlest tones, the kind I might have used to one of my little sisters back home when they had fallen and grazed a knee, or knocked the head off a beloved doll, but had never have thought of using to my childhood friend, even when his father Nikanor had been killed. "Come now… nothing can be _that _bad! Look, whatever's happened, we'll fix it! I'll talk to Alexander – or – or I'll ask Narcissus to – no, maybe not him, but I – I know, I'll talk to Nireus and he can ask Hephaestion to help… I'm sure Alexander won't really send you home…"

"H-h-home…?" Hylas choked, lifting his tear-streaked face to mine for the first time. To my surprise he actually gave me a watery smile. "Wh-whoever s-said I was going _home?"_

"But…" I blinked, waving a hand towards the duffel bag I had seen Hylas tearfully packing with his possessions when I had walked into the king's tent. "If you're not going home, where…?"

"I've – I've – " Hylas shook his head. "Oh, Helenus! I'm being reassigned to Hephaestion!_ To Hephaestion!" _ He turned and threw his arms about me. "_This is the happiest day of my life!"_

* * *

"Don't worry about Hylas," Nireus told me as we cuddled close that night. Sated with wine, food and love, I felt warm and sleepy, and yet I could not help thinking of my friend. "I'll look after him. He's very comely, that little son of Nikanor… just like a little Alexander… I'd be only too happy to keep him warm on those cold, lonely nights on the road…"

I dug my lover admonishingly in the ribs, but it was the comment about Alexander that really made me think. I had never noticed the resemblance until now – to me, the only person Hylas resembled was his gentle, handsome father. "Nireus, I… I have to tell you something. I don't know if Hylas would want me to, but I think I should. Hylas is… well… he's in love with Hephaestion."

"Oh." I felt Nireus nod. "Oh, I see. Well I wouldn't worry about it, beloved. It's almost a prerequisite for the job. It certainly won't do him any harm."

I frowned at him though the shadows, not quite sure how to take that. "Do you… do you think Hephaestion will take Hylas as his beloved?" Narcissus had made some sly comment to that effect when he had heard of Hylas being reassigned – something about Alexander wanting to give Hephaestion a suitably biddable and submissive beloved - but I had paid little mind to it at the time.

This time I felt Nireus shake his head. "I don't think so. Hephaestion… well… he's not really into boys."

"But he doesn't have a woman!" I answered with some surprise. _"Does_ he?"

Nireus suddenly shifted over onto his side, meeting my eyes with a serious expression. "He has lovers now and then," he said softly, "but they don't matter to him. There's only one he really cares about_._ Come on, sweet-heart, you must have guessed," he smiled, nudging my cheek playfully with his nose as he heard my soft gasp, "or did you really think the two of them sat up all night philosophising and playing dice?"

"I knew they _used_ to be lovers," I breathed, "everyone knows _that!_ But when they were boys, not… not… you mean… _even now?"_

"Why do you think General Parmenion almost has a stroke every time he finds Hephaestion alone with him? Or why Queen Olympias dips her pen in poison when she writes Hephaestion's name?"

I couldn't argue with that – I'd heard enough of Alexander's angry reactions to his mother's letters to know Hephaestion was not one of her favourites. As I lay there in the dark, many things fell into place. I didn't yet know what I thought about it… except that if King Alexander could keep his beloved long after his beard had grown – even if he did scrape it off – then maybe I could keep my lover too? It was a fanciful notion, but it gave me a pleasant feeling.

* * *

I shook my head vigorously. "No! No, I don't believe it, you're making fun of me!"

Narcissus laughed at me. "So suspicious of your own brother! I tell you, I'm never wrong about these things."

"But Bagoas and Euxenippus? That's impossible. They hate each other!"

"Well they've obviously come to an understanding," Narcissus replied dryly, "though the gods alone know how or when…"

"I…" I frowned. There had been that night…. that strange, wonderful night when Nireus and I had been reconciled. I had had eyes only for my lover that night, but now I cast my mind back, Euxenippus _had_ been there… yes, with _Bagoas! _Not at the beginning - no, it wasn't until after Niureus and I had returned to the campfire to get warm. I had fallen asleep in Nireus' arms almost at once, so I had no recollection of anything either of them might have said or done, but they _had_ been sitting quite close together… but then Bagoas had surely been feeling nervous in the company of Hephaestion's Pages. I couldn't blame him for that! Maybe the two of them had become friends. But that didn't mean they were… bedding down together!

I shrugged and shifted closer to my brother. Inevitably I had spent less time with him of late, and he hadn't complained, but it was nice to have a moment with him before I went to welcome Nireus back to the camp and Narcissus went to whichever smitten young man he had favoured that night. He had made no pretence about being pleased to hear of my involvement with Nireus, but there was a grudging respect in his eyes when I told him of how it had come about. "Well indeed," he had said when I had finished my story, and left me to figure out exactly how he meant it.

Narcissus sighed. "Good luck to the poor little buggers, if you ask me," he grunted. "Maybe they've finally learned Alexander isn't worth their sighs and tears after all!"

"_Narcissus!"_ I hissed warningly. When he only shrugged, I frowned thoughtfully at him. "Why do you dislike Alexander so much, brother? What is it that you really don't like…?" Even as I asked, the answer flashed into my mind so brightly I had to blink. "It's… about Hephaestion, isn't it?" I didn't think I was giving much away by using what Nireus had confided in me – if Nireus knew it, there was no question that Narcissus did. And it made sense – in his own way, my rebellious brother was a real conservative. "You don't like the fact that Alexander's kept him as his beloved…"

"So your Thessalian boy told you, did he?" Narcissus snorted. "You can't blame me, Helenus – it's hardly dignified for a Macedonian king, is it? Or for any men their age, for that matter."

"But it's different, you know," I responded awkwardly, "if… if you love someone…"

I didn't know what Narcissus would make of that. I could be fairly sure _he_ had never been in love with any of his many lovers and I wondered for the first time if he would ever allow himself to fall in love… to surrender control of his heart, or even to let someone besides me inside it. He might, I reasoned… if he thought that it would prove amusing…

He shook his head dismissively. "Anyway, it's not just that…" He turned to me with an arched, enigmatic expression. "Alexander… he… look, little brother, it takes one to know one, and _I_ know…"

He did not get to finish. At that moment a cheer went up as Hephaestion and his men rode into camp and Alexander shouted for Narcissus to attend him. A short while later, Hylas came jogging over, his face bright with happiness. He jumped ecstatically into my arms and kissed my cheeks in that childish way of his. Excited though I was at the thought of my reunion with my lover, I was also happy – and not a little relieved – to see my best friend back safe and sound and in such good spirits.

For a few minutes Hylas talked breathlessly of his time with Hephaestion and all the things they had "got done." As most of the dialogue involved how wonderfully clever Hephaestion was at absolutely everything, I listened patiently and just a little sadly. It seemed as though poor Hylas was more stricken with love than ever before and it was looking more and more likely that that love would remain forever unrequited.

"Hylas," I began softly, taking his hand, "I think… well, about Hephaestion. Nireus told me and I… the fact is, he and King Alexander…" I put deliberate emphasis on the title, something we Macedonians rarely did, just to make it a little more clear what I was getting at. "You see, they…"

"Oh yes, I know!" Hylas cried, his eyes glowing. "Hephaestion told me!"

I stared at him in disbelief. _"Hephaestion_…_told_ you?!"

"Well, I don't think he exactly planned to, but…" Hylas suddenly put a hand to his mouth. "Oh, I'm so stupid, I wasn't supposed to… but after all, you knew already, and… but anyway, isn't it wonderful?"

"Wonderful…?" I echoed, now feeling quite dizzy with confusion. "You mean you're not jealous or anything…?"

"Oh… no…." Hylas shrugged a little ruefully. "I mean… I might have been if it was another boy, like Narcissus or someone… but after all, if anyone deserves Hephaestion then it should be Alexander, don't you think?"

With that, he hugged me once more and hurried off, shouting over his shoulder that he was heading to the baths to join Nireus and Hephaestion's other two Pages and I should join them as soon as I was relieved from duty. Struck dumb, I watched him go with only a small wave of acknowledgement.

"Brother," I said quietly when Narcissus reappeared at my side, muttering disapprovingly about how Alexander was acting like a giddy girl at the prospect of Hephaestion's arrival and informing me I was free to go, "do you think Hylas son of Nikanor is just a little… you know…" I tapped the side of my forehead meaningfully. "Just a little bit?"

Narcissus shrugged. "He might well be… but I don't think it'll damage his prospects around here, do you?"

I frowned quizzically at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Narcissus rolled his eyes. "Look at it this way," he said with a sigh of weary resignation. "My beautiful little brother who could have had his pick of the Royal Bodyguard is the beloved of a Cy - " he caught my warning glance and hesitated. "Of the son of some Thessalian horse-breaker. That Persian boy Bagoas is now the beloved of his arch enemy. And our _king_ is the beloved of the son of some Athenian exile..."

"_Beloved?!"_

"…So tell me, little brother… is there anyone in this army who's _sane?"_

I had no answer for that. But I didn't care. If love was madness, then madness was sweet. Giving Narcissus a quick kiss, I headed off in the direction of the baths where I knew Nireus was awaiting me.

28/6/09


End file.
